Autumn Thoughts

Autumn Thoughts

I am fortunate to still have parents who live independently and are able to come and visit a couple of times a year. They came for Thanksgiving and I had an opportunity to spend some time with my brother and them alone without a lot of extended family to distract me. It was very evident that they are slowing down and are not as active as they were even several months before. I was reminded of some thoughts that I had written down several years ago and although Autumn has passed us by (as the autumn of my parent's life has passed them by) and we enter the winter season, perhaps these thoughts are still timely.

Autumn Blessings

Today, September 30, 1999, one day after my youngest son, Joel turned 22 (how could it be that long ago that I held him as a newborn?) and I have been 50 for just over 3 months, I had what I believe to be an important insight. I believe the 50’s will be a time of discovery and change – something is different! I have finally moved from youth to mid-life in my mind – my orientation, my paradigm has shifted in a subtle way. I have struggled to hang onto my youth, losing my grip grudgingly, trying to cling onto it with denial and non-acceptance of the obvious. At times the struggle has shadowed my days, always a dark cloud in the back of my mind. As a last resort, I looked to my Heavenly Father. Although, I didn’t spend much time with Him, there was comfort in remembering that He was there, understood what was happening to me better than I did and was always ready to help me.

Today as I noticed the leaves beginning to turn, it struck me that autumn, the time when much of life draws to a close for the winter is the most beautiful and colorful season of all. Perhaps in God’s wisdom and unfaltering patience, once again, he is teaching me through nature. Through the repetition of changing seasons, maybe the lesson is that the autumn of our life is the most beautiful time of all. Maybe the quiet beauty of autumn is the best part of our whole wondrous existence.

As I approach that time of my life, I sometimes look at “old people” and wonder how they cope. How do they face getting out of bed to look at the gray-haired wrinkly version of what they used to be with aches and pain, lost vitality and only further decline to look forward to? There is no “getting better”; there is no plan for 20 years down the road. For me, it defies logic to look into their faces and see joy, peace, and delight in life around them, even as they are running out of chances to experience Christmas, Springtime, the birth of grandchildren and great- grandchildren who they will never know “all grown-up”. They watch as their friends around them reach the end of their lives. They spend what they’ve saved “for the future”, knowing those days are now. There is no longer an endless future out there and nothing to save for any longer. Yet oftentimes I see joy, peace, tranquility, and delight shining from their faces. I see a smile that says, “I have a secret that you can’t understand right now, but someday you will share it”.

This autumn day, I felt that in His spectacular show of turning leaves, He was teaching me that I had a surprise ahead of me – a special gift that was available to all who accept it. I believe I am starting to reach out for that gift and it is wrapped in a sense of peaceful acceptance, new understanding and joy not dread. I am starting to know that the gifts of maturity are well worth the relinquishing of our youth.

There is a very dramatic change within me. I feel that I am truly beginning the shift from youth to maturity and eventually old age and best of all it is ok. I’ll try to look as young as I can, but not regret I don’t look younger. I will take care of myself and be as active as I can for as long as I can, but I won’t resent that I am unable to be as energetic as I “used to be.” I will try more and more to celebrate the beautiful autumn of my life.

By my words and example, perhaps I can show my children how to face the inevitable with less anguish and dread than I did. Probably not, I didn’t take advantage of my parent’s example or even ask about their experiences. My parents have been accepting of the God’s beautiful Autumn Gift. I see it in their uncomplaining manner and sweet faces. That has made it easier for me. I want to give my children that peace of mind as it comes their turn to watch me in the autumn and winter of my life. This vivid new perception has helped me to accept the aging of my parents. It gives me an opportunity to care for them and show them how much I appreciate all that they have done for me. I will try to share the beauty of their gift by letting them know I am beginning to understand.

I have always pictured myself growing old gracefully. I see a lovely little old woman with the countenance of the Lord shining in her face. A face radiating with depth and the beauty of wisdom, intelligence, patience, caring, acceptance, understanding, strength, love and joy. That’s quite a picture to fulfill; perhaps it is time to begin becoming that woman. I’m not old, I’m not young, I am 50. It is a simple indisputable fact and shouldn’t be cause for melancholy or apology. My life is full of options, which I can survey with greater depth and discretion because of the experience I have collected over the years, without the self-consciousness of my youth.

Thank you Lord for Autumn’s beauty.